I have thought deeply about why I have become the way that I am. My parents never pushed me, my fathers idea of discipline was verbal and physical abuse. Of course, my response was rebellion. My mother had the right idea most of the time, but being young I didn’t understand and didn’t agree with her disciplinary actions. I would run to my father, who allowed me to do what I want. Presently, I wish he wouldn’t. I grew up with no structure in my life, and I believe that gave me zero drive in life. My father raised me the way he was raised; zero structure with the exception of abuse, which was thought to be disciplinary. Today, I have a large amount of resentment, anger, and hate for my father. I believe he is the scum of the world and doesn’t deserve a damn thing. He is an arrogant piece of garbage and I will never think of him as anything more, ever.

My mother on the other hand, I used to really dislike my mother. You could even go as far as saying I hated my mother. These days its much different. I respect my mother, she had the right idea of raising a child.

If you did not know I am 1 of 5 children. I have 4 sisters, only one has accomplished anything in her life. She also lives in Texas and I have not seen her since I was 12 years old. Another one I will not count because she has mental disabilities and has been institutionalized her entire life. The other two have amounted to zero, they too rebelled as children. I never rebelled to an extent of them but I followed the rebellious ideas of them. They rebelled a lot more severe than I ever did. I was a quiet rebellion, all I wanted to do was go play with friends. I was a lazy rebellion you could say.

Back to the matter of my mothers parenting skills. She was a good parent, she knew how to be one but her former husbands were all the same. Zero backbone in any of them, not one was a disciplinary person. I believe if any of us children would have listened to my mother and not undermined her by asking our fathers to do something that our mother was so determined to say no to, we all would have accomplished something in our life.

I’m 19 years old, I’m still young and still very capable of achieving something in my life. I have been gradually improving my ambition and motivation in life. With my ring of friends and Kate it is pretty easy too but still not as easy as it should be. All my friends are smart and are moving forward, accomplishing their school goals and on their way to achieving a career. My friends are great and sometimes I feel unworthy of them. Lately I use this for more motivation and push, because I would actually like to earn some respect in my circle of friends.

This fall I will start school again and will be giving it my all. I want to reverse the cycle of my family and become something in my life. I don’t want to be lazy and worthless, in shorter terms I do not want to become my father. I do not want my kids to grow up like I have, and they will not. I will not be frightened they will not like their father, because in the long run its for the best.

Right now I have been in a rut for many months. Hopefully I will obtain a job shortly with the help of Andrew Bricker, and end a large part of my drought. I don’t want this rut anymore, it has been nothing but hard and stressful on me, many times I feel like breaking down and crying for hours. Soon I will no longer be in this rut, soon I will achieve something and soon I will have no more worries. Soon.